i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
