I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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