sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
