what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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