you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
