my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
