my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
whose ass print is on the piano?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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