we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
