Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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