Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
