Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
