So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
