I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
