This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
