Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She's like a pop up book from hell.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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