My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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