It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
