Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
