I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
please come you make the beer taste better
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
