he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
