YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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