remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
