The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
