There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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