True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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