dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
