I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
