my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
