Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
