there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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