did you get engaged???
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
