Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
