Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
