I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
