It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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