that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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