can u get pink eye on your cock?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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