She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Brb crying the tears of my youth
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
