Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
