masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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