If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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