we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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