i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
