gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
