So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
