'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
