I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
