My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
