So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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