Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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