I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my sisters under your porch take her home
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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